


Shades of Shame

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (as in I use a bunch of metaphors for Alec to explain it with), (for once), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, And he gets that hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FebuWhump2021, Healthy Communication, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus is a nice thing, References to Depression, Self-Harm, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29413317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After a hard day, Alec goes home to Magnus and they have a much-needed talk about Alec's self-harm.Febuwhump Day 12 - "Don't try to pin this on me"Warnings for self-harm and references to depression. Please keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138970
Comments: 10
Kudos: 117





	Shades of Shame

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This fic is for the Febuwhump prompt: "Don't try to pin this on me!" and it's posted a day late because I absolutely projected onto Alec here. It's a bit longer than what I've been writing for Febuwhump so far because, as I said, I projected onto Alec here and thus, there's a little more in this than my other Febuwhump prompt fills. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Warnings for self-harm and references to depression within. Please keep your lovely selves safe! <3
> 
> With that being said, let's get on to the story! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec pulled his tactical jacket tighter across his shoulders, trying to shield himself from the majority of the rain. The wind was blowing fiercely, which didn’t help his predicament, and the grey storm clouds that loomed overhead didn’t show signs of dissipating anytime soon. Perhaps the worst of it all was the sting in his knuckles and the ache of his wrists. Alec thought, secretly, that he would rather brave a thousand thunderstorms than see rain make murky red droplets run down his hands again.

He could’ve called Magnus and asked him to provide a portal. He knew his husband would be more than willing to, especially if it meant he didn’t have to walk home in the rain. But after the events of that day and the stress headache that pounded at his temple, Alec had opted to walk. 

He thought it might help him clear his mind, but it seemed to be doing just the opposite. 

Alec gazed down at his torn knuckles again in disgust. It’d been nearly a month since the last time he punched a bag without protection or wielded his bow without his archer’s gloves. He’d been doing so _well_. 

Magnus was going to be so disappointed.

And that was, perhaps, the core of the reason why Alec had chosen the long walk in the rain over a portal. The longer he could delay this difficult conversation with Magnus, the better. 

Thunder boomed overhead and, not two seconds later, lightning flashed through the sky, crackling dangerously. All around him, people began scrambling to get inside, their natural human instincts telling them to get out of the way of the storm. Alec had never been more thankful for his invisibility rune. It seemed like he was the only person on the streets that felt completely at home in the dreary weather. 

He shivered; this type of rain was the kind that soaked right down to his bones and gave him a chill he couldn’t quite shake, no matter how hard he tried. Water dripped off of the ends of his hair and into his eyes, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. He knew this route by heart.

Alec wondered what Magnus would say when he got home. He’d fuss over him for walking in the rain like an idiot, he had no doubt, but what would he say when he saw the bruises and cuts on Alec’s hands? His husband was no fool; he’d been alive long enough and married to Alec long enough to know exactly what those wounds meant. 

Alec didn’t want to have that conversation. He _didn’t_. He relapsed. He knew that. It was his mistake, his weakness, his _failure._ He didn’t think he could stand it if Magnus started to see him that way, too. 

The door to Magnus’s apartment loomed in front of Alec within a few minutes, and Alec hesitated before pulling out his key to unlock it. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and walked into the loft. The cool, gentle feeling of the wards washing over him, accepting him into the apartment without pause, calmed his racing nerves a little bit. 

“Alexander? Is that you?” Magnus called from somewhere in the loft.

“Yeah,” Alec called back, trying not to give away how unsettled he felt. He reached down and unlaced his boots, leaving them and his rain-drenched jacket by the door to deal with later. 

Magnus appeared from his apothecary, holding a leather-bound book in one hand and a vial of werewolf fangs in the other. “Hello, darling, I - Alexander! Why are you all wet?”

“It was raining,” Alec offered lamely. 

Magnus made an offended noise and set the book and vial down on the counter, making his way over to Alec to assess him for injuries, just like he always did when Alec came home in some sort of unusual state. Alec tensed and bit his lip, waiting for the inevitable question. 

Magnus’s fingers brushed over his torn knuckles and the bruises that circled his wrists, his touch feather-soft and gentle. His eyes held a deep sort of empathy and his gaze was weighted with sadness. It made Alec want to run, just to get away from the guilt. He wished, more than anything, that he could take care of himself better so that his husband didn’t have to. 

“Bad day?” Magnus questioned softly. Alec nodded, not willing to say anything else. There was nothing that could be said to make any of this better, to lessen the blow of what he’d done. 

“Come with me,” Magnus said suddenly, holding out his hand. Alec looked at it skeptically, but Magnus rolled his eyes and said, “Come _on_ , Alexander. Do you trust me?”

“Of course,” Alec replied without hesitation. Magnus smiled and gently took his injured hand in his own, leading him towards the apothecary. 

When they reached Magnus’s apothecary, Alec was immediately greeted by dozens of different scents, all overlapping and blending together. Ingredients were lined up neatly on shelves and books were stacked in piles on several desks in the room. Several cauldrons full of potion were simmering on the magically maintained stove, and wooden spoons & other utensils hung in a neat row via hooks on the wall. The comfort of Magnus’s work space surrounding him and the easy familiarity of the apothecary made the tension in Alec’s shoulders begin to ease. 

“This is a potion to reverse the effects of a curse a certain client of mine has managed to get themselves subjected to,” Magnus said, falling into step next to Alec like they did this every day. He took his place at the stove and got busy stirring the cauldron. “Hand me those Seelie-grown herbs, won’t you, darling?”

Alec grabbed the requested vials from the shelf and handed them to Magnus, who thanked him with a soft kiss to his cheek. Alec clenched his hands together behind his back, waiting for Magnus to start talking. It was, in a way, like waiting for a bomb to explode. 

After fifteen minutes, however, Alec realised that perhaps that wasn’t going to happen. 

“Do me a favour and slice that myrrh for me, Alexander,” Magnus said without looking up from the potion. 

Alec nodded quickly and reached for a knife. He didn’t miss the way Magnus’s hands tightened on the spoon as he grasped the blade. He quickly set it to the myrrh roots, showing Magnus that he wasn’t a danger to himself. At the very least, not _anymore_. 

When he was finished, he handed the myrrh to Magnus and watched as Magnus began to pour his magic into the potion, connecting the web of ingredients with thin tendrils of cool blue. It was always fascinating, watching Magnus work. It was even more fascinating when Alec was desperate for something to focus on. 

By the time the potion was complete, Alec felt significantly calmer, just like he was sure Magnus had intended. He half-smiled to himself. Magnus always knew exactly what buttons to push, how to get Alec to a good enough place where a conversation like the one he’d been dreading could happen without it being a catastrophe. Alec didn’t know why he’d ever doubted him. 

“You can go on to the living room,” Magnus said, making a gesture with his hands for Alec to make his way there without him. “I’ll be in in a minute.”

Alec nodded, but he hesitated by the door, something he couldn’t identify telling him that he should wait. After a few seconds, Magnus snapped his fingers and the bubbling potions in the apothecary were put into stasis. Alec watched as Magnus reached for his cellphone and began to dial a number. 

“Jace?” Magnus said into the phone, and Alec’s eyes widened. What did Magnus want with his parabatai?

“Look, Jace, Alexander just showed up at the loft with bruises on his hands,” Magnus said quietly. “I was just wondering if everything was okay between you two.”

Even from this distance, Alec could hear Jace’s indignant response: “Don’t try to pin this on me! I have no idea what happened, Magnus, but you need to realise that sometimes _nothing_ happens, okay? Sometimes Alec just, I don’t know, wants to hurt himself. I don’t know why. I never understood it, and he never told me. But you’ve got to stop assuming it’s because something happened when it isn’t.”

Magnus was still listening to Jace when Alec slipped away, walking into the living room and taking a seat on the sofa with Chairman Meow. He’d heard enough. 

He hated that Magnus felt the need to call Jace in the first place - it wasn’t any of Jace’s business, and Alec didn’t always want his parabatai to know about this - but, even more than that, he hated that what Jace had said was _true_. Magnus always assumed that there was a reason, some trigger that they’d both missed, and sometimes there was, but most of the time, there wasn’t. 

Magnus was desperate for someone to blame, when Alec knew that the real person he should be blaming was sitting on his couch with bruised knuckles. 

“Alexander?” Magnus walked into the living room, his phone safely hidden in his pocket once more. Alec said nothing, watching as Magnus made to sit down in a chair opposite him. His expression was carefully curated to hide what he was feeling, but they had been married for almost five years now - Alec knew exactly how he felt, and he hated that he was the cause of it. _Stupid. Always so stupid_. 

“Alexander,” Magnus said again, but it wasn’t insistent; it was more like a reminder, a gentle assurance to Alec that he was there. 

“Yeah,” Alec replied, twisting his fingers together nervously. He wanted to have this conversation even less after overhearing what Magnus had said to Jace. Magnus didn’t _get it_ , and Alec knew that wasn’t his fault, but it made him feel like he was alone even when Magnus was sitting right there. 

“Darling,” Magnus began when it was clear Alec wasn’t going to, “Is everything okay?” He winced at his own wording a second later; clearly everything wasn’t okay, and Magnus hated asking stupid questions as much as Alec hated answering them. 

“Yeah, everything's great,” Alec responded numbly. He'd meant it to be sarcastic, but it ended up sounding more like he was reporting and blatantly lying to his mother when she called. He hated it. 

Magnus fell silent at that, fiddling with his rings in his lap. Alec tried hard to keep from sighing. He wasn't irritated with Magnus, not really; he knew he was just trying to help. He was more irritated with this whole situation, with himself for putting them in it in the first place. 

Alec could tell Magnus wanted to say something, but he also wanted to give Alec the opportunity to speak first. Alec sighed and said, “Go on,” gesturing with his hand for Magnus to speak. He hadn't meant it to come out so accusatory, and he felt a pang of remorse when he saw Magnus flinch out of the corner of his eye. 

Magnus didn't say anything for a minute or two, anxiously fiddling with his rings and sneaking quick glances at Alec when he thought Alec wasn't looking. Finally, though, quietly and still avoiding Alec's gaze, he asked: “Why?”

Alec sighed, though he tried to keep it quiet for Magnus's sake. His injured hands tightened on his pants and he took a deep breath before opening his mouth to answer. 

“Because,” he said tightly, “Sometimes I feel so _tired_ , and every step feels like a mile, and every breath feels like a step, and sometimes the only thing that can make the feelings go away is... _that_.” 

Magnus exhaled slowly, and Alec was quite sure he didn't know what to say to that. He'd never shared this before. In the past, he'd always given Magnus non-answers and 'I don't know's in the hopes of ending the conversation before it ever really began. But it had been a month since the last time, Alec's longest true clean streak since he'd started doing this, and he was _tired_ of coming home and lying to himself and to Magnus, over and over and over again. 

Enough was enough. 

Magnus must have agreed, because he got up from his chair and made his way over to the couch. To Alec. 

And, without pretense, he reached for Alec and wrapped him in a hug. 

Alec exhaled softly, tears pricking his eyelids for some unknown reason. He sagged into Magnus's arms, shuddering. It wasn't unusual, getting a hug from him, but it was the first time he'd ever allowed himself one after a session in the training room and it felt so different than a normal hug that Alec wished he could stay there forever. 

“You can,” Magnus whispered, and Alec's cheeks flushed as he realised he'd spoken aloud. 

“You promise?” Alec asked, hating how small and vulnerable his voice sounded to his own ears. 

“I promise,” Magnus whispered back, and somehow, it was enough for Alec. It was enough for both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](https://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner (or outer, we don't judge) chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your home in a community of chaotic fans looking to make the world a nicer place! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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